It has been flowing through my mind for ages, I've never been able to put it in words until now, and they are paltry words at that. So.
Before you read the rest I'm going to tell you that it'll all seem stupid. I
know it does, so please, don't flame because whatever you say will be nothing I haven't thought of before.
Do you ever just think that you shouldn't be here? No, that's not right. .... I mean, that you're... Hmmm. Well, do you ever think that you don't want to live in this world? And, I do mean
this world, not just live at all. One world is never the same. And, I don't mean that just because you're different/you don't fit in that you want/deserve/whatever to live here. No, no that's all wrong. I don't know how to say this...
...
Personally, I don't want to live here. That is
not depression or cynicism speaking, it's
me speaking. I know I'll never make anything, be great, or whatever. That's just who I am. Merely a wallflower. And, that's okay, a little bit depressing. No big deal all in all.
I am
not suicidal, I just... don't feel it. Or, maybe I do and I just don't want to. I feel the world's hurts, the happiness, every single emotion. It's not hard to feel them or understand them. Anyone can, it's simply a matter of opening your mind and heart to it. It's all there, it's all connected, neither good nor bad. It just
is what it is. It looks like a great deal of chaos, but in the long run it's mostly structured in it's own way. Eh, like the web of life. << Cheesy.
This part will make no sense to you and it'll probably seem like I'm making up a bunch of wannabe-hippie-zen bullshit but it's not. Not at all. This is from
me, what I feel and think deep inside, innate feelings.
No bullshit, I swear.
What is there for me? Oh, there's happiness, sure, so many things. But... there's a part of me that says I've had it all before. That I've seen, heard, felt, learned
so much. There is very, very little that surprises me, and there's little that I don't understand. Of course, this is all feeling and if I try to express any of it I just look absolutely ridiculous. On hand-to-hand things I just plain suck, literal things (such as math, people skills, etc. and the like), I have nothing to it. But when it comes to the soul I am
there.
How many people have said this? My god. It's like... it makes me look like I'm trying to say that I'm so wonderful and understanding or blah, blah, freaking blah. No. Stupid, right?
Well... as a side to this ^^ I do believe in reincarnation. In past lives you'd have learned a lot, yeah, but you'd lose pretty much all of that in your next life for obvious reasons, but you still have that same exact soul, which is
everything. And through that you do know things, feel things that you've had through your past lives and whatnot. It's all, all of this, the world, life, it's all about learning and understanding and
feeling,
everything. The good, the bad it's all
you and how you react, what you do. Everything has to come together at some point (no, not death of your body). Then what? Do you fade away, with all the understanding of life? Perhaps, hmm.
But, I digress. That whole reincarnation thing is what makes me think that is why I feel that I understand life (because I've had it all before). The thing is... what now? As I said in the beginning I don't want to be here. I am done with... with all of this. I don't want to experience it all, I have no ambition, no motivation towards anything. I am simply existing for nothing. Okay, at this point you're probably thinking "What about your family? Love? etc." Well, I love them, and I
do want to be with them. What more can I say? Family is a wondrous reason for simply living, I do think so. But... I am held back.
And, that's basically it. My heart poring for now. I hope you know how much it took for me to actually post this. It's... *shrug*
