thE PiNK ESKiMo

This fic's for Sarah. I killed you in this one, but I killed myself too, so I hope you don't mind. Rather depressing, implied suicide.

Dear Mom,

I know by the time you read this, I’ll be gone. I’ll be gone already, and you’ll be crying. Please don’t cry Mom. I had to do it. I hurt too much, and I’m happier now. I couldn’t live without her, Mom.

I’m sorry I’m being selfish. I know that you need me to go on, but I’m sorry. I can’t go on without her. I miss her so much, Mom. I don’t know if you see that. I feel like I lost half of me, and now there’s only half to live on.

How can half a person live? Together, we’re whole—we complete each other. But she’s gone, and I feel like I’m gone too.[i]

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known?
I trace the cord back to the wall
no wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
the choice was mine I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed to go on
but you'll be sorry when I'm gone

[i]I know you’ve noticed. You always look so worried and scared and ask me if I’m ok. Honestly, Mommy, I’m not ok. There’s just a part of me that still needs Sarah, still needs to hold onto her. I’m not a person without her. Please, Mom, understand. Don’t blame yourself.

I know what you’re thinking right now. You always thought that Sarah was the one who would be doing this—Sarah would be the one ending it all right here.

But it’s not Sarah—it’s Julie, and that’s what scares you so badly. It’s Sarah—the good, kind, sensitive girl that’s leaving you in this way. It’s the one that you never worried about, and that’s why you’re crying right now. It’s the responsible daughter…[i]

I never conquered, rarely came
but 16 just held such better days
days when I still felt alive
we couldn't wait to get outside
the world was wide, too late to try
the tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
to pass the time in my room alone

[i]I never was the responsible daughter, Mommy. It was just something you confused and mixed up. Sarah was the responsible one. She was my protector, she shielded me from things I couldn’t see.

And after she died, I wasn’t protected anymore.

She was like a security blanket. Someone I could tell everything to—ignore the rest of the world, and live in my own separate reality. Only that reality came crashing down when Sarah died. I always thought Sarah would be strong enough never to get involved with things like drugs and stuff. I never thought she’d give into that.

But she did. She went out and wasted herself, destroying herself. And destroying me. I was always standing there, left to pick up the pieces. I couldn’t watch it. I wanted to save her, but I’ve always been the weaker girl. I know it, and you know it. I couldn’t save her, and now I blame myself. Ever since the doctor said she hadn’t made it…I can’t live without her; I’m sorry for being selfish, but I pray you’ll understand.

I never thought I'd die alone
another six months I'll be unknown
give all my things to all my friends
you'll never step foot in my room again
you'll close it off, you'll board it up
remember the time that I spilled the cup
of apple juice in the hall
and please tell mom this is not her fault

And now she’s gone… and I fell apart. Why? Because my protector was broken, my protector was gone. If Sarah, the strongest person I knew couldn’t hold on, then how can I? I had to see the real world, and I couldn’t do that.

There’s too much pain. I like living in another time—another period full of facts. I’m too weak to deal with emotions.

I know it, Mom. I know it. I’ve always been the weaker daughter, the one who holds on too hard and can’t let go. Nobody says it, but everybody knows it. I know it.

I never thought I'd die alone
another six months I'll be unknown
give all my things to all my friends
you'll never step foot in my room again
you'll close it off, you'll board it up
remember the time that I spilled the cup
of apple juice in the hall
and please tell mom this is not her fault

That’s why I know I have to do this. God, Mommy, I’ve never been more scared in my life. I really can’t see Julie doing this, you know? I can’t see myself drawing this blade across my wrist and letting all the blood spill out as my life disappears. I’m so scared I think I’m going to wet myself, but I’ve also never been more sure of anything in my life.

I never conquered, rarely came
but 16 just held such better days
days when I still felt alive
we couldn't wait to get outside
the world was wide, too late to try
the tour was over, we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
to pass the time in my room alone

I have to do this. I need you to understand, and go on. I can’t have you breaking because of this. Losing two kids—I know, it can’t be easy—but you have to go on, Mommy. You have to go on. For me, and for Sarah. She would have wanted it.

Keep on playing the game, Mom. Keep on going at it.

Don’t forget me, Mom. Don’t forget, but don’t hurt when you remember. It’s not your fault.

It was my choice.

I never conquered, rarely came
but tomorrow holds such better days
days when I can still feel alive
and I can't wait to get outside
the world is wide, the time goes by
the tour is over, I've survived
I can't wait till I get home
to pass the time in my room alone

I love you.

Julie

urg <3